“Oh, by the way, you farted last night.”

If you ever want to know what married people talk about first thing in the morning after waking up. It’s this. “What?” I asked. “Really I did?”

“Yeah,” Craig said nonchalantly. “I was so shocked. Not only did you fart once, but you farted twice. In your sleep.”

I started laughing. See the thing is, for Craig, passing gas is like breathing. It’s the part of the Vegan/Vegetarian creed. You know, “Thou shalt not eat meat. Thou shalt not eat dairy or eggs. Thou shalt fart every hour of the day or at least when no one is looking.” So he is shocked that in the two years we’ve been together that he’s never heard me lay one. In fact, he was beginning to think I was an alien or some kind of android. “It’s unnatural!” he would say.

It’s not that I never farted, it’s just that I farted discreetly. And I never have to fart as often as Craig does. So to learn that Craig finally heard me pass gas was a relief (no pun intended).

“So I farted, huh?” I said. “What did it sound like? How did it happen?”

“Well, it was shortly after you got into bed. You immediately fell asleep,” he said. “Then I heard this ‘pff..fft!’ Wait, no it was more like ‘pffffft!’ Yeah that’s exactly how it sounded. And I thought, wait what was that? Surely that wasn’t me. Then, it came again, ‘pffft!’ You tooted a second time! It was glorious!”

I was literally rolling around in laughter at his story. “I was so excited I finally heard you fart,” he said, “that I couldn’t even go back to sleep. I couldn’t wait to tell you about it!”

So that’s it. That’s my story about the night Craig finally heard me fart. In a way, it’s made our relationship stronger.

“We’ve reached a milestone, honey,” he said. “Then the day will come when we’ll be farting… together.”

Ok, that’s way too far. But he’s good at making me laugh and that’s what matters.