Heart Matters

A few days ago I wrote about the funk I was in. I knew the source of it and I decided to confront that source this week. Despite breaking up several months ago, my ex had slithered his way back into my daily life with texts and calls. And although I kept him at somewhat of a distance, never making it public (until now) and never allowing him around my friends and family, I had allowed him back into my heart just a little.

See I am cautiously optimistic. I believe people can change. How could I not, considering I’m trying to make significant life changes as well. I didn’t want to hold a grudge just yet. After all, he said he said he had stopped drinking, or at least reduced it down to just once a week. Over the course of a few weeks, he began to drink more and more again and occasionally he would try to hide it.

Last week, my emotions came to a head and I lost my shit. I had been neglecting what was important to me and really hating myself for breaking promises left and right. I resented him.

Saturday we were supposed to have a talk. What I had expected would be a back and forth dialogue, a conversation of sorts, turned out to be the exact opposite. It ended up being a drive by shooting (metaphorically speaking), in which he conveniently scheduled things both before and after. He didn’t consider my feelings. He didn’t think to himself, “She needs me. I should be there for her.” He didn’t even give me a chance to talk or to ask questions. He made his appearance, put on his show, and then he left.

The funny thing is things went almost EXACTLY like they did back in October the last time we had a “talk” like this.

Except this time afterwards I wasn’t upset and wondering what just happened, but I was amused at how I could be reliving the same moment all over again despite my efforts to change it.

That’s when I realized it was just the same pattern and it was symbolic of how we were and how we would always be.

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