The timing of Friday night’s sleepover was absolutely flawless. I was ready to celebrate a successful week by relaxing and unwinding before I had to start it up again. I stopped by the house to pick up my overnight bag and, of course, Izzie. Dogs were totally welcome at the sleepover.

Crosstown traffic was still in effect, but I was in such a good mood I didn’t mind it. In fact, even Fergie’s song Fergalicious was less annoying, to which I danced and sang along in the car.

When I arrived, Caroline and her sister Florence were already in the living room snacking on pizza and watching movies in their PJs. The spread was artfully thought through and arranged on a pink table sheet with confetti all around. Pizza, chips, dips, wings, wine and cheesy bread sticks, it was carb heaven. Even though I told my therapist I would eat healthy, I realized this would not be possible. It was Friday after all and I had just finished a really hectic week at the office so I wanted to completely vegetate. It was the best weekend ever, one that I wish didn’t have to end.

I have this insane habit of standing and eating my meals when I’m sometimes under stress. I don’t know why, maybe it just makes me feel like I waste less time and can quickly move onto the next thing on my list.

After 6pm today, I’ll have a brief period of 18 hours of downtime where I won’t think or talk about work. I’m going to have a grown-up sleepover with my friends, drink, eat good food, play games, watch movies, and just generally be a kid again for 18 hours. After that, my carriage is going to turn back into a pumpkin and I’m going to pull another weekender.

The definition of the word “insanity” would’ve looked like this week. I don’t know if I’ve ever launched a website in under 5 days, but I didn’t think I could learn and deploy a new system in less than 8 hours and, well, I managed to do that this week. Quite honestly it takes a special kind of masochist to work at an agency. You have to enjoy suffering to a certain extent because you know that when the pain is over, you’ll have something amazing.

With that being said, I just need to keep my head above water for one more week before things will (hopefully) calm down again.

Jim raised me up
He hurt me but it felt like true love
Jim taught me that
Loving him was never enough

I’ve been listening to Lana Del Rey nonstop the last week or so. Her music matches my mood these days. It’s like emotional cutting without the knife.

Sitting in my therapist’s office yesterday, I realized I did not see a future for myself. Where did I want to be in a year? Where do I see myself in 3 years? 5 years? I had no answer.

I feel like I’m swimming through muddy water. Weighed down with no sense of what was within arm’s reach. It’s hard to focus right now. I’ve lost all sense of time. The only thing keeping me going is my calendar of scheduled events. It keeps me sane.

“Life has to be more than just work and relationships,” she said. “You need to find your purpose in life. Without that, things can get depressing quickly.”

She was right. I was losing my grip. I needed to find my way back to land.

Photo credit: Michael David Adams Photography